I did it again i fall in love with u all over again, am mad about u all over again, i proke up with u again! i found my old phone i attach it to my computer and was taking a look at it my photos,my calender and my msgs! and i found u there i found all your msgs, sience day 1 i read them all, i relive everything i felt everything as if am feeling it for the 1st time, some msgs made me smile, other made me laugh, i felt flutred, i felt love, wormth and everythin we had. i swear i was hearing my heart beats while i was reading them. and again i cried over you, i feel as if you died, i know i shouldn't love you that way, but i did, when i was with you i didnn't think about the present or the future i just though that god gave me your love to amke it up for me for everything bad i went through, i wish if i didn't love you that way! i wish if i didn't love you that much.

to leave or not to leave

for any one else it may look an easy thing, either to saty or go! but it's not a simple choise, leaving will take me away! will give me a space to forget my sorrow and sadness, and it may give me a chance to hide a grive and then i may be able to move on emotionaly! i need to go because am realy exhuasted from smiling and  holding my tears, i need to go because everything is reminding me of my broken heart,  the streets, shops, resturants and even my own house, i need to go because memories do hunt me every sec. everything here become painful, even breathing i. i donate all cloth i was wearing in all our hangouts i gave away all the gifts and it still hurts like the 1st day we broke up, oh! god what else i can do to make this pain go away, what else i should do to make memories fade away! nothing else but leaving.
in the other hand if i go away i will be away, away from my family which just being around them make me feel worm and when i panic at nigh just looking at them sleeping  makes my heart beats slow down and i hear that voice telling me u r not alone u will never be, u have them! i will be away from my friends the shoulder that i can cry on, who can listen to me forever with out complaing, who can feel how deep my wound and how much it hurts, who they don't judge me because they understand me,who i can count on them to support me when i collapse, who they see me in my weakest moments and they still believe that am a strong person and believe that i can pull my self together, i will be away from all this.
oh god! what else i should do to get my life back, for now i know one thing that am running out of time, so being in agony will not hold me back, i figure out away to fix my self! u took my past away and u r taking my present now but my future it's as far as stars form u and some day ,one day all this pain will be gone and i will have my life back.

nothing is for sure in life, u were my sunshine and i was sure that u will come every morning, i was sure that  u love me and i was so sure about my feelings towards u, i use to think that one heart is not enough to love u and that u need 1000's of hearts to feel u, a heart just to get mad about ur voice, and a heart to love ur silence and another heart for your eyes, oh !and u can't imagine how heart i though i may need when a day comes and u hold my hand, i had much things inside me i wish if i could say them, u were a dream i lived in agony waiting for it, oh! i wished if the time takes me from my place and put me in your way i wished if i can touch u and hold u and forget all the world after u, i use to think that one heart is not enough to love u, i was sure of that but ......

for who

For who am going to live, why i should be living after him? What my days worth if they are not for him? and my dreams! what they will be worthing if they are not with him? It's very hard to feel life after him, and it's hard to get used to my life after him.
Not every love we can forget it move on and be able to fall in love again, and not everything nice we find it easily! He is my only hope and i never had hope before him, he is my only hope and there is no hope after him
my life is for him and it stops at him.

restless

Some nights are worse than others, some nights are good i just fall sleep, and some other nights, like tonight i can't stop crying and i am shaking, all the fears, memories and pains are hunting me.
 The watch wont move and the night seems longer, colder and much quite than ever! The house, street, people and everything else seems to be in peace except my restless soul, nothing can make these feelings go away and nothing can help me go to sleep and no one will understand my tears and no one can know why am shaking, so no one can help, but may be tomorrow night will be better.

walk to me

Today walk to me as my wife as the love of my life, some one said so, some words gets into us and leaves us  in a mess. I have that strange love for the romance movies, am addict to them, and it always keeps me thinking is there are such feelings in the world, or just an imagination but imagination also needs an inspiration so those writers must be inspired by something, something close to what they writing, some thing true,so i think all of us should wait and to have faith and hope, that such a dream will come true, such a miracle will happened and such a person who will say all the right things and do all the right things a person treat you the right way a person will loves you the right way! will come!

signals

We spending our life times dreaming about things,alot of things! we love to dream no matter how many dreams came true and how many didn't, but we forget while we are dreaming to prepare our selves what to do or how to ct when they come true!
Today 6th of feb. 2011 a day i will never forget because one of my teen hood dreams came true! and i didn't know how to act or what to say! and yet there is a part of me can't believe what happend! and the way it happened didn't make things easier! here how it went! i was chating with one of my friends he may not be the closest but he is definitely special, because of alot of reasons! so the chat was going well until he said WILL YOU MARRY ME! yes he said so, he didn't mean like right now but! i though he was kidding because we takes all the jokes kind between us! so i keep kidding and he was keep saying am serious and after a while i start to realize that he was serious! am shocked i mean he is .......... he is my friend for so long, over 7 years! he was the first guy i be friend with back at college! this can't be true ! he can't be serious!
And then he said the most amazing an painfull words in the world, words any girl will be happy and sad to hear them, he said i like u, i always did and still do, i like u in a special way because you are very special person and you are so special  person in my life, i have been sending you signals for years! all what i want was a chance and you never gave that for me! am i shocked! ofcourse, i didn't know then what to say or how to replay and yet i don't know what am feeling, there is a part of me happy that some one waited for me for years, it was my teen hood dream! and part of me was flattered it feels good.
And then he made me feel very bad about my self and i felt sorry for him because he was telling me how bad he wanted this US to be and he knew that we would have something special like no other couple did he used to believe so, but he thuogh that i understood his signals (and i totaly didn't) and i could read between the lines so me not sending anything back! he took no as an answer! i broke his heart and i even didn't know so! and the nice thing he is still waiting for me! and he asked for a chance! and i don't know what to do? my dream came true and i found a guy who may love me the way i want but again is there is such a thing or it just a fantasy!
I don't know what to do, am happy, sad, confused, flattered and lost!

fantasy

Love is nothing but our own fantasy!
Is that is true? it could be true regarding to how things did end! but it doesn't make sense that u& all those great feelings u surrounded me by are just a fantasy! and i made all that in my imagination! because u do exist, u are flesh and bone, every one else can see you, u have a name and a job, so you are not my imaginations out come!
You are my first and i know that i loved u, it's not a misunderstanding, because if i didn't love you, and all that was my own fantasy then why i was missing you the moment you leave, why i try to love everything u love, why i watched all your foot ball team games so you can enjoy talking to me, why i listen to the songs that you like, why every time i saw something nice i wished if i can buy it for you, why i always did smile when i hear your name, why i spent hours cooking for you, why no matter what my problem was hearing your voice was calming me, why it didn't matter where to go as long as we are together, why i dreamed about our future together, if i didn't love you then why only looking at you was meaning the whole world to me.
And you loved me! am sure of that, it's not possible that i was wrong, or just imagining so, because i felt your love in everything you did or said, i would swear that i can touch your love, your love to me it's not my fantasy i mean you are my sweet.........., you used to call me every night before you go to bed because you wanted my voice to be the last you hear, you used to take me out alot so i can have fun as much as i can, you used to spend your break hours driving to bring me food and watching me eat so u can be sure that i have enough food, you used to show up with out a notice because you loved the way i looked at you when i don't expect to see you, you used to send me the same song over and over which talking about that you pray to god everyday that we end up together and forever and you used to show up in front of my house bringing my favourite things because seeing me smile was your greatest joy! so am sure that you loved me! but if u did so! then why? why we end like this! SO I THINK OUR LOVE WAS A FANTASY AFTER ALL

friends

It doesn't matter how much we get mad at each other because we always forgive each other, it doesn't matter how much we are different because at the end we all fit in perfectly, it doesn't matter how,when& where  we gather because for sure we going to have so much fun.
I love being around them because i never feel like am a part of something nice, something big, something deep& strong except with them.
I like when we bring out our treasure and start looking at it, which is an uncountable memories of nice, happy, sad, childish, scary, rough, grave, hard and crazy moments we lived & we will never forget.

come back

Although it was your choice but am saying:
Come back! come back because you are still living in my heart, come back because your absence is living a space inside me,come back because you are my future and my past, come back my love it's not possible that life can tear us apart, the nights with out you are very hard, and am sorry that we are separated, and i know that u feel my misery because i can't believe that u actually don't care about me any more, do u think that i can survive after you? life after you don't worth to live in my love, you are the fire that started, increased and grow inside me while you are away, after you i have no one. am hand tied to live life with you! do i have beloved other than you? i can't survive a second with out you, for who you leaving me my love, you are the wound that years dedicated for me my love, i can't live my days as long as you are far, come back! lets gather and collect what's gone and breaks, heals the wounds that did leave scars, we did went a apart and our pains did grow bigger and non of us did win.
Come back my life, for who you leaving me? missing u hurting me, humiliating me and killing me, please come back for me, being away  from u is hurting, the days become very hard on me after you did leave.
Come back and don't leave me all the nights long for my pain,tears and my missing for your eyes.
Come back i have no one but u dear and if you see my misery you will be sorry for me, come back it's not fair to turn both our hearts in the break up fire while being together is in our hands, come back because you are still living in my heart, come back because your absence is living a space inside me,come back because your are my future and my past, come back my love it's not possible that life can tear us apart.
come back! my dreams are still calling for you and although my eyes can't see yours your love is still alife and i have the same old missing to  your whispers and your hand touch.
i wish if you come to me, i wish if come back because i love you to the bone, come back my dearest dear come back and brings life and peace to my heart, come back, come back, come back.

quotes

Today i woke up early :) am in a strange mood am not sad but am not happy either, am not frustrated but i can't say that am calm but i feel like am in equilibrium yes this is what i feel equilibrium.
So i want to share some of my favourite quotes :


And i have learned if you do this,living your life it doesn't matter if you have 5 minutes or 50 years
                                                                                                                      if only movie



Nothing is impossible if you want it so bad
                                                                                                                   unknown 



A little more persistence,a little more effort and what seemed like a hopeless failure may turn to glorious success
                                                                                                                 unknown 


I have learned from life that facing your problems and your fears is much easier than the time and energy u going to spend on avoiding them
                                                                                                             brothers and sisters t.v. show



A person should get to have a full life
                                                                                                           private practice t.v. show 



What the heart gives away is never gone ...
It is kept in the hearts of others. 
                                                                                                        unknown




Life is not how many breath you take,it's how many breath taking moments u have
                                                                                                      hitch movie     

only

it's my first post, and i don't know what to write, a dear friend advice me to create my own blog, because i always have something to say, and that's correct, it's not necessarily something important or especial sometimes it just a talk. 
sometimes i need to say somethings, anything or everything and i want some one to hear me out, and look at me ONLY  through what i feel and what i write.