I did it again i fall in love with u all over again, am mad about u all over again, i proke up with u again! i found my old phone i attach it to my computer and was taking a look at it my photos,my calender and my msgs! and i found u there i found all your msgs, sience day 1 i read them all, i relive everything i felt everything as if am feeling it for the 1st time, some msgs made me smile, other made me laugh, i felt flutred, i felt love, wormth and everythin we had. i swear i was hearing my heart beats while i was reading them. and again i cried over you, i feel as if you died, i know i shouldn't love you that way, but i did, when i was with you i didnn't think about the present or the future i just though that god gave me your love to amke it up for me for everything bad i went through, i wish if i didn't love you that way! i wish if i didn't love you that much.

to leave or not to leave

for any one else it may look an easy thing, either to saty or go! but it's not a simple choise, leaving will take me away! will give me a space to forget my sorrow and sadness, and it may give me a chance to hide a grive and then i may be able to move on emotionaly! i need to go because am realy exhuasted from smiling and  holding my tears, i need to go because everything is reminding me of my broken heart,  the streets, shops, resturants and even my own house, i need to go because memories do hunt me every sec. everything here become painful, even breathing i. i donate all cloth i was wearing in all our hangouts i gave away all the gifts and it still hurts like the 1st day we broke up, oh! god what else i can do to make this pain go away, what else i should do to make memories fade away! nothing else but leaving.
in the other hand if i go away i will be away, away from my family which just being around them make me feel worm and when i panic at nigh just looking at them sleeping  makes my heart beats slow down and i hear that voice telling me u r not alone u will never be, u have them! i will be away from my friends the shoulder that i can cry on, who can listen to me forever with out complaing, who can feel how deep my wound and how much it hurts, who they don't judge me because they understand me,who i can count on them to support me when i collapse, who they see me in my weakest moments and they still believe that am a strong person and believe that i can pull my self together, i will be away from all this.
oh god! what else i should do to get my life back, for now i know one thing that am running out of time, so being in agony will not hold me back, i figure out away to fix my self! u took my past away and u r taking my present now but my future it's as far as stars form u and some day ,one day all this pain will be gone and i will have my life back.

nothing is for sure in life, u were my sunshine and i was sure that u will come every morning, i was sure that  u love me and i was so sure about my feelings towards u, i use to think that one heart is not enough to love u and that u need 1000's of hearts to feel u, a heart just to get mad about ur voice, and a heart to love ur silence and another heart for your eyes, oh !and u can't imagine how heart i though i may need when a day comes and u hold my hand, i had much things inside me i wish if i could say them, u were a dream i lived in agony waiting for it, oh! i wished if the time takes me from my place and put me in your way i wished if i can touch u and hold u and forget all the world after u, i use to think that one heart is not enough to love u, i was sure of that but ......

for who

For who am going to live, why i should be living after him? What my days worth if they are not for him? and my dreams! what they will be worthing if they are not with him? It's very hard to feel life after him, and it's hard to get used to my life after him.
Not every love we can forget it move on and be able to fall in love again, and not everything nice we find it easily! He is my only hope and i never had hope before him, he is my only hope and there is no hope after him
my life is for him and it stops at him.

restless

Some nights are worse than others, some nights are good i just fall sleep, and some other nights, like tonight i can't stop crying and i am shaking, all the fears, memories and pains are hunting me.
 The watch wont move and the night seems longer, colder and much quite than ever! The house, street, people and everything else seems to be in peace except my restless soul, nothing can make these feelings go away and nothing can help me go to sleep and no one will understand my tears and no one can know why am shaking, so no one can help, but may be tomorrow night will be better.

walk to me

Today walk to me as my wife as the love of my life, some one said so, some words gets into us and leaves us  in a mess. I have that strange love for the romance movies, am addict to them, and it always keeps me thinking is there are such feelings in the world, or just an imagination but imagination also needs an inspiration so those writers must be inspired by something, something close to what they writing, some thing true,so i think all of us should wait and to have faith and hope, that such a dream will come true, such a miracle will happened and such a person who will say all the right things and do all the right things a person treat you the right way a person will loves you the right way! will come!

signals

We spending our life times dreaming about things,alot of things! we love to dream no matter how many dreams came true and how many didn't, but we forget while we are dreaming to prepare our selves what to do or how to ct when they come true!
Today 6th of feb. 2011 a day i will never forget because one of my teen hood dreams came true! and i didn't know how to act or what to say! and yet there is a part of me can't believe what happend! and the way it happened didn't make things easier! here how it went! i was chating with one of my friends he may not be the closest but he is definitely special, because of alot of reasons! so the chat was going well until he said WILL YOU MARRY ME! yes he said so, he didn't mean like right now but! i though he was kidding because we takes all the jokes kind between us! so i keep kidding and he was keep saying am serious and after a while i start to realize that he was serious! am shocked i mean he is .......... he is my friend for so long, over 7 years! he was the first guy i be friend with back at college! this can't be true ! he can't be serious!
And then he said the most amazing an painfull words in the world, words any girl will be happy and sad to hear them, he said i like u, i always did and still do, i like u in a special way because you are very special person and you are so special  person in my life, i have been sending you signals for years! all what i want was a chance and you never gave that for me! am i shocked! ofcourse, i didn't know then what to say or how to replay and yet i don't know what am feeling, there is a part of me happy that some one waited for me for years, it was my teen hood dream! and part of me was flattered it feels good.
And then he made me feel very bad about my self and i felt sorry for him because he was telling me how bad he wanted this US to be and he knew that we would have something special like no other couple did he used to believe so, but he thuogh that i understood his signals (and i totaly didn't) and i could read between the lines so me not sending anything back! he took no as an answer! i broke his heart and i even didn't know so! and the nice thing he is still waiting for me! and he asked for a chance! and i don't know what to do? my dream came true and i found a guy who may love me the way i want but again is there is such a thing or it just a fantasy!
I don't know what to do, am happy, sad, confused, flattered and lost!